Tidal Waves
by Books In the Blood
Summary: When the Doctor makes Ashildr immortal he realizes that he has made a descion that has caused huge ripples in time. When Clara tries to comfort him about it, he realizes he has made even more. Loving and losing Clara will cause a tidal wave that he might not survive. Post episode "The Girl Who Died"


There she was… _Clara._ My companion, my Impossible Girl…my everything. She's been with me for such a short time and yet I can hardly remember what it is like to not have her by my side. I don't want to think about what it would be like without her by my side and yet as she stares back at me with wide, open eyes that are too young and innocent, it's all I can think about. Ripples, tidal waves…I've made a terrible mistake today and though Clara doesn't understand, it's not a good thing I've done. I didn't give Ashildr a gift; I cursed her forever. I regretted it the second that I did it but it was too late to take it back. Clara says that she deserved it, that she deserved to be given another chance. She doesn't understand; she doesn't know I'm damned.

Rather than try to explain it to her, I just get up from my spot on the stairs in the console room and wearily wander toward my room. Not to sleep….I never could in this state of mind. I don't know what I want other than to hide, to try and burrow away from the thoughts that are eating away at my mind. I don't know if Clara's following me and I don't turn around to see but I hope that she is.

The TARDIS is trying to make me feel better; when I walk into my room I can see she had projected my favorite star constellations on the ceiling, filing the room with light and the perfect warmth of temperature around me. She doesn't approve of what I did at all but she's trying to keep me from all of the self-loathing thoughts that are sure to come. My dual hearts swell with a sudden affection for her but she can't really stop me from the dangerous path my thoughts are on and she knows it. We both know it.

I'm sitting on the middle of the bed cross legged and trying to appear calm when Clara finally follows me into the room. She's never been in my room before though I've imagined it before. I wish I could enjoy it like I always imagined I would. I wish I could look at her and think of anything other than how soon she will soon slip from my fingers.

"Are we going to talk about it?" Clara asked understandingly as she sat down on the bed next to me. She looks so understanding and kind that it makes me hurt inside.

"Talk about what? About the mounting consequences of my actions? About how there are rules for a reason and that my breaking them is going to have all kinds of ramifications?" I ask with irritation.

"Actually, I wanted to make sure that you were okay" Clara says with hesitancy. "What you said earlier…..about me. About losing me…"

"I don't want to think about that. Forget I said anything about it" I say shortly, as if it could possibly persuade Clara to give up her prodding. I know her too well to believe that it will. I don't want her to think about this; I don't want her to ask about it. I allowed my emotions to get completely out of hand and said things I shouldn't have. I've had that sensation so many times; that gaping wound in my chest when I lose someone that felt like they'd be there forever. The only thing that keeps me alive, that keeps me from lying down and giving up is getting in the TARDIS and running away. I can never run far away to keep from thinking about the huge body count in my wake but that doesn't stop me from trying. Even so, that's not something that I ever tell anyone. I never intended to let it slip to Clara. I don't want her to know that I already have thought about what it will be like one day when she slips away from me from and I will hurt so bad that I will be sure that I can't go on.

"I can't" Clara says, her voice cracking slightly from emotion. She places her hand on my cheek like she did earlier and I feel a tremble of longing run through me. "I can't forget the way you looked when you said that. I can't forget the pain I saw there."

My skin soaks in the touch of Clara's skin against my own and aches for more as I close my eyes. "It's just the truth. No one can do anything about it. Look what happened when I tried to prevent something from happening that I had no business bothering." I say. With my eyes closed she can't see my pain and it's easier to mask it from myself as well.

"Doctor" Clara urges me. When I don't say anything, when I still don't look at her, she holds my face in both her hands. "Doctor, look at me"

I want to and don't want to at the same time. Reluctantly, I open my eyes to see Clara's beautiful face inches from mine. She looks sad, with her wide, sorrowful eyes but she also looks determined. That's the Clara that keeps me going; the one that won't give up.

"I'm here now" Clara says with feeling. "I won't be here forever, but what really lasts forever? One day I will be gone but right now I am here. You are here…..we are here together. Let's not miss that now for what might happen. Please…..for me. Just be here with me now."

I don't tell her about all of the things wrong with what she just said. I don't tell her that some things do last forever; time lords last forever and suffer through a sea of death. For a moment, it doesn't seem as real or as important because Clara is right; she is here right now. Maybe I can hold onto her enough to make her last through the ages.

So I kiss her. It's not the first time that we have kissed but it's the first time in this body. The other times were when I looked young and beautiful, when Clara initiated them and I didn't even want them. I was different then but not as different as she thinks I am. I still loved her then, I still wanted her; I just didn't seem to know what to do about it. Now, in this body, I know exactly what to and my body is eager to make it happen. I feel like there is a fire inside of me, ready to burst out and consume her and me in a blaze of desire.

When we were on Earth earlier, I said that what I gave her wasn't a hug but it was. I lie a lot and that was a lie. I tried to stop myself, to save face, but I couldn't. I was so relieved to see Clara alive and well that I couldn't resist the temptation to run to her and feel her in my arms. And it felt so good…just like I knew it would. Time lords aren't affectionate like humans so a hug means a lot; a kiss means even more. The feel of Clara's lip against my own, so warm and soft I want to bite them off, means a lot. Even more is the hands of Clara's that have made their way into my hair, stroking my head, pulling my curls; touching, caressing…Clara can't possibly have any idea how good it feels to have her hands on my head; it's almost something of an erogenous zone for time lords. I've discovered that through trial and error, much to the distain of my former people. Time lords don't appreciate affection like this and I shouldn't either but I've always been a rebel. Clara reminds me how much I still want this.

Now that I'm kissing her, I want even more. I want to feel her skin against my own; not just her hands, all of her. I want to see what she looks like, explore her skin with my fingers. I want her to touch me in places no one has in the form; I want to do all the things I haven't done in centuries. I want her to look at me with desire, want to smell the rush of hormones that tell me that she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. I want to taste her body like I can taste her lips now. I want to feel her heartbeat under my fingers, hear her breath labored as she moves against me. I want to hear my name on her lips, full of desire and delight; I want to hear her say that she loves me.

I want everything…..I hesitate because even though she's the same, I'm different. She hasn't looked at me like she looked at me before. For a while, when she was with the PE teacher and she was angry all the time, she didn't look at me at all like that. I thought it was gone forever…but lately she's starting to. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, maybe it's my imagination but I think not. Because Clara's hands are still in my hair doing such wonderful things to my head and her lips are kissing back, enthusiastically even. Maybe I can have this, maybe I can have her.

My lips are tasting her neck and her shirt is thrown off when I begin to feel the prickle of blackness in the back of my head. I try to push it away; the last thing I want right now is ripples and I can feel a tidal wave coming. Though my body is occupied with feeling Clara's warm skin, the goosebumps that come up along it, the feel of the lace of her bra and the sweetness of her skin, my mind is thinking about time. Days, hours, minuets…..I can see in my mind every day and every second of Clara's life to this point. I can feel her time line in my head, strong and resilient but it's only to this point. After this moment in time, it's all a mystery to me. But it feels so dark, so cold, so bad….something is coming and I can't tell what it is but the way it feels is enough to terrify me. Clara isn't forever and I can already feel her ripples. I don't know how long I have with her but it's not enough. Time looms over me dark and terrifying before it crashes down upon me.

I'm surprised and horrified when I realize the tears on my face. I don't cry very much and even when I do I don't let it happen in front of people. I have so much pain on my past that my suffering often goes beyond tears. But when it does come out that way, I can't stop once I've started. I can't believe the sudden rush of sorrow and anguish that's running through me coming out in tears. I want nothing more than to continue the wonderful kissing and head stroking that I started but I simply can't now.

"I'm afraid" the words burst forth from me like the tears that I can't stop. When I translated what that baby said earlier, when I told Clara how she felt and how afraid she was I knew how she felt. It wasn't because I was afraid of the Mire; I'm afraid of losing Clara. Just like that baby was shaking in fear of the unknown threat of the Mire, I'm trembling with fear at the thought of losing Clara. I know it will happen, I just don't know how or when or why. But unlike that baby, I have no mother to hold me and reassure me that it will be alright; I have no one to wipe my tears away and tell my I'm okay.

 _Except…._ I was sure that Clara would be as disgusted by my tears as I was but she isn't. As I pull away from her, as I crumple upon myself and the weight of the loss that I can already feel, Clara comes to me. Her arm goes around my shoulders and she pulls me toward her. My head rests against her chest, warm skin and beautiful beating heart underneath. Her hand goes to my hair again but it's not like before; she brushes my hair comfortingly and puts her other hand around me. I think that just maybe she's not angry and she isn't going to push me away.

"I know you're scared. It's okay; I'm scared too" Clara says. And she is too; I can feel it in the way her heart beats, the rush of adrenaline that signals fear. Maybe she can sense it too; maybe she's only afraid because I've made her.

It's nice; the feeling of Clara's arms around me as she cradles me against her. I feel… _cared for._ It's been a long time since I felt cared for in this way; protected almost. Even so, I still try to stop crying, to stop making a scene but I can't. Now that I've started, I can't stop the weeping, can't stop the feeling of my chest opening up and aching.

"It's okay to cry. I'm going to be right here. I'm not going anywhere" Clara assures me, almost as if she knows how hard I want to hold it in and pretend that I don't feel like a small part of me is dying.

"For right now, you're stuck with me" Clara says with a small laugh, one for my benefit. As she laughs, I move gently against her chest and find my hands go around her to hold on.

I don't know how long I cry or how long she holds me. I feel at the same time so safe and happy in her arms and sorrowful and anguished at her possible loss. Things don't change and I know that they can't no matter how much I want them to. But now, for at least this small moment, Clara is here and that will have to be enough. Taking life one moment at a time; that's how you keep from making ripples.


End file.
